Diligently Doubtful
by Detective Jules
Summary: Meg is thinking...


DILIGENTLY DOUBTFUL  
  
by cat  
  
Disclaimers: over and over again, no one is reading, but still:  
  
guess whom JAG belongs to? This time it's someone completely different   
  
(no, not true, it's still DPB, NBC and CBS, which is a pity, because if  
  
I would own them, I'd have Harm a twinbrother, who would get Mac,  
  
to be nice to all the Harm/Mac shippers out there and Harm would finally   
  
get his Meg back.)  
  
summary: Meg listens to a song in the radio on her way home from work.  
  
The songs are "Bathwater" and "Simple Kind Of Life" - No Doubt.   
  
The title is a quote from that song and everything in this story is used   
  
without permission and for entertainment only, now enjoy  
  
Note: contains a little bad language   
  
Diligently Doubtful  
  
Another day at JAG has come to an end and I'm on my way back home again.  
  
Each day it is getting harder for me to work with you because I can  
  
feel the growing attraction between us. I'm trying hard to pretend it is  
  
just some flirtation, but the way we look at each other makes it hard to  
  
believe that. Today it had happened again. You were staring at me as if  
  
you were undressing me in your thoughts. But I don't mind at all  
  
because I want my fantasies about you just standing up from your desk,  
  
walking up to me, emptying my own desk in a quick movement that is  
  
sending everything to the ground, then laying me down on my empty desk  
  
and fucking me hard to come true so badly. But nothing ever happens. And  
  
what would happen if? What if we were a couple?   
  
I want to abandon these thoughts, so I turn on the radio. The song that  
  
sounds up is "Bathwater" from the new No Doubt album "Return of Saturn".  
  
I tapp my fingers on the stearing wheel with the rhythm of the song.  
  
~ You and your museum of lovers  
  
The precious collection you've housed in your covers  
  
My simpleness threatened by my own admission ~  
  
Great, just great, that makes me think about Harm even more. A museum of  
  
lovers, I bet he has something like that as well. A big one, I bet. The  
  
latest additons Allison Krennik and Maria Elena Carmelita Moreno  
  
Gutierrez.   
  
~ And the bags are much too heavy  
  
In my insecure condition  
  
My pregnant mind is fat full with envy again ~  
  
I know exactly that I have fallen for you and that if you ever decide,  
  
that you could have some fun with me, I'd give in. But for now I'm  
  
jealous. Yeah, the song is right, my mind is full with envy. I envy all  
  
those babes, who get to have their fun with you.  
  
~ But I still love to wash in your old bathwater  
  
Love to think that you couldn't love another  
  
I can't help it...you're my kind of man ~  
  
And here I go again, back to my fantasies. Not the sexuals this time,  
  
but those about you and me as the perfect couple. The two of us for  
  
ever. The dream of marrying you. I want that so bad, but still, it's  
  
never going to happen, all I have are my dreams.  
  
~ Wanted and adored by attractive women  
  
Bountiful selection at your discretion  
  
I know I'm diving into my own destruction ~  
  
That's also true. I notice all the glances and glimpses. You get them  
  
everywhere. But I can understand all these women who adore you from the  
  
first moment on so good. It hasn't been different with me. I saw you and  
  
you had my heart, now you're not giving it back again. I don't even want  
  
you to, though I know it's my destruction. You'll never be able to give  
  
me what I'm looking for, just because you don't love me as I love you.  
  
I know that sooner or later you're going to break my heart.  
  
~ So why do we choose the boys that are naughty?  
  
I don't fit in so why do you want me?  
  
And I know I can't tame you...but I just keep trying ~  
  
I know that you want me too, I can tell it from the way you're looking  
  
at me. But why? I'm not at all the type of girl your dating usually. And  
  
the taming thing: well, I do try to tame you and sometimes I think it  
  
works. Like last week when you wanted to go on one of your lunch breaks  
  
and leave me alone with all the paperwork again. But I asked you to stay  
  
and help me and you did. I was so proud then. But then a couple of days  
  
ago, you went again. But I'll keep on trying Mister Rabb.   
  
~ 'Cause I love to wash in your old bathwater  
  
Love to think that you couldn't love another  
  
I'm on your list with all your other women  
  
But I still love to wash in your old bathwater  
  
You make me feel like I couldn't love another  
  
I can't help it...you're my kind of man ~  
  
That would be too wonderful to be true, if I was the one you'd love.  
  
Just me, Meg Austin and no one else. But my name is just another one in  
  
your little black book. I wonder how many other cities you have already.   
  
This is so sad because I know that if I can't have you, I'll never be  
  
able to really be happy. I could settle for the second best, but still,  
  
it wouldn't be you. It's not that I don't have enough opportunities,  
  
but all I want is you. If I can't have you, I don't want nobody else.  
  
~ Why do the good girls always want the bad boys? ~  
  
Am I a good girl? Are you a bad boy? Well, I bet many people would say  
  
so. I'm just the little stupid blonde and naive Meg Austin, who has  
  
fallen for her naughty partner, who is dating every single skirt   
  
around. But is that true? Well at least I'm not at all that innocent as  
  
I appear and I know that you know that.  
  
~ So I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles  
  
Diligently doubtful through all kinds of trouble  
  
Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions ~  
  
Kisses and cuddles? I'd love to kiss and cuddle you. Well, I kissed ya  
  
once, but that doesn't really count. It was right after your promotion.   
  
You smiled at me pretty surprised afterwards. I bet you hadn't expected  
  
this, but was it only the promotion or maybe also the kiss? Promotion,  
  
that brings me back to the fact that we can never really be a couple  
  
even if we wanted to. The biggest of all the contradictions that make me  
  
choke. I love you, and I want you, but on the other hand there are our  
  
careers and the Navy with all the regulations. I accepted that a long  
  
time ago. But now I wish they would just allow us to follow our  
  
instincts.   
  
~ 'Cause I still love to wash in your old bathwater  
  
Love to think that you couldn't love another  
  
Share a toothbrush...you're my kind of man  
  
I still love to wash in your old bathwater  
  
Make me feel like I couldn't love another  
  
I can't help it...you're my kind of man ~  
  
Yes you are. You are my kind of man. You're even a little bit like my  
  
daddy. I bet he'd like you. Man, I'm so in love with you. Help me, what  
  
shall I do? I can't help it, you're my kind of man. Exactly. I can't  
  
control my feelings. I know I have to listen to my mind, but I want to  
  
listen to my heart. I didn't exactly choose to fall in you. Or did I?  
  
Are we in control about that? Or is it just fate? Or maybe even just  
  
coincidence? You were around, so oops, I fell in love with you? How  
  
could that happen?  
  
~ No I can't help myself  
  
I can't help myself  
  
I still love to wash in your old bathwater ~  
  
You know what? If I could, I'd even do that. My cloths would smell like  
  
you and I'd never wear anything else again. I pull up in front of my  
  
house. I'm home again, so what do I do now? The usual: drink enough to  
  
fall asleep and dream about you and me, every day together, always. Will  
  
my fantasys ever come true? My life is in your hands, you just don't   
  
know it yet. Another song from the new No Doubt album comes to my mind.  
  
~ And all I wanted was the simple things,   
  
A simple kind of life  
  
And all I needed was a simple man  
  
So I could be a wife ~  
  
Again Gwen Stefani is exactly verbalizing my feelings. I don't exactly  
  
remember the whole song, but I know, that it fits again in the passages   
  
that I do remember.   
  
~ I always thought I'd be a mom  
  
Sometimes I wish for a mistake  
  
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get  
  
You seem like you'd be a good dad ~  
  
Yes, I want to have kids. But only with you. Imagine what a family we  
  
would be. You'd be the best dad a kid could dream about. I had this plan  
  
once. Oh, yeah, one of my stupid ideas, make you drunk and seduce you.  
  
I'd do that over and over again until I'd get pregnant. At least I'd  
  
have a small part of what I want. Our baby, wouldn't that be wonderful?  
  
~ Now all the simple things are simply too complicated for my life   
  
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?  
  
A selfish kind of life  
  
When all I ever wanted was the simple things  
  
A simple kind of life ~  
  
Yes, what is so easy for others is so complicated for us. Others would  
  
just meet, feel attracted and act on this attraction. They'd live for  
  
what would come out of it. But we? We are hindered by Navy regs. That  
  
makes the simple things complicated, doesn't it?  
  
Yes, my dreams have become selfish. I don't care what anybody else says  
  
anymore. I want you, no matter what. But I know that it is selfish and  
  
not to realize.  
  
All I ever wanted was the simple life I've seen on TV, that what most of  
  
my friends had, but what I never knew because my mom never had it.   
  
It's starting to rain, I stay in my car and start to cry.  
  
THE END  
  
Ok all, this was the first time that I wrote something in a pov style. I  
  
hope you like it, so please send me feedback and let me know, what you  
  
think.  
  
thanx 


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